Hali Ritchens

Hali Ritchens, b. Day 14 Year 19 in Cedars-Siani Hospital, Los Angeles, California.

Hali was born to Hannelore Ritchens, the then-famous, if not obscene, socialite of Los Angeles, who made her name known via her famous and not-so-famous lovers and later for her wild antics. Hali's father is a mystery; Hannelore alluded to an unknown extra on the set of a B-movie as the father but no name was given.

Although Hali's mother was, at the time of Hali's birth, a quite famous gold digger and a paparazzi darling for her many famous lovers, expensive and flamboyant clothing, and dubious scandals involving married men and weird pink pills, the public dramatically lost interest after the initial shock of Hannelore's out-of-wedlock birth. Once the society rags realized the father was unlikely to be anyone noteworthy, and Hannelore's figure ceased to bounce back to its previously immaculate state, she quickly found herself degraded to C-list banishment and eventually faded into complete obscurity. As it became more apparent that things would no longer come easily for her & her new baby, Hannelore devoted nearly all of her time to movie try-outs by day and waitressing by night.

Because of this, Hali spent most of her time raising herself. As one can expect from a directionless child, she hated school and instead skipped often to spend time with her only friend, her puppy named Spruce. Although it seemed a lonely life, Hali recalls her childhood as quite pleasant. Things changed for the worse, though, when Hannelore found Kobe and quit her selfish lifestyle when Hali was 13. Perhaps a little too late, Hali never took her mother seriously and when sent off to boarding school, Hali quit all together and ran away, with the idea of pursuing her dream of world travel at 15.

World travel didn't get her far, as she ran out of money after making it just as far as Nashville. Coining the name Rozalia Qual, she fabricated tall tales that won her free room and board with all walks of life. Unfortunately she couldn't keep her stories straight and her benefactors would put up with no more. She fled Nashville on foot and stopped at Mama Legs's Bar, originally to see if she could get a bite to eat. Mama Legs Andersen, the owner, interrogated Hali and decided to give her shelter and a job as a bartender.

Mama Legs's Place was a honkey tonk backwoods venue where blues musicians would come either to watch or partake in all-night jam sessions. Although booze flowed aplenty during business hours, once the door was locked the homemade moonshine was abundant and the good times began. Hali found a deep kinship with the Blues through watching their music do all the speaking for their souls, and found their renegade operation thrilling. Mama Legs, a musician herself, picked up on Hali's keen interest and began teaching her the basics of piano and the 12 bar blues.

The good times came to an abrupt halt, unfortunately, when on New Year's Day of year 30 the bootlegging operation was busted by SWAT from nearby Nashville and Mama Legs Andersen was accidentally shot by an officer. Hali had been upstairs, practicing on her piano, when the ordeal went on. She was never found by the officers, and fled with all the money she could find back to Los Angeles.

Back in LA she behaved as though she'd never left–except she refused any contact with her mother. Now an adult with no reason to hide, she resumed using her given name. She set herself up with an apartment with the little money she had, and got a job bartending at a punk club with ease. Not a fan of the music, she tired of the job and quit, but not before finding the fancy of a slightly older punk rocker, Edward Fuchs, a regular customer. The two bonded over discontent of authority, disgust with “normal” life and mutual childhoods of self-absorbed, workaholic parents. Although she surprisingly refused alcohol while in Nashville, she found herself a fan of beer now.

On Hali's 19th birthday she threw a big party, but since she hadn't many friends, it consisted of a couple of co-workers and Mr. Fuchs. Hali played some songs she'd written and a slew of covers on her keyboard at her apartment for entertainment. The next day, she expressed her interest in playing a real show to Edward, who had a few connections. Thinking he was helping, he arranged for her to play at Amber's Place, a popular punk venue which let her play to a crowd of 500. Unfortunately the punk kids did not find her Boogie Woogie Blues style entertaining in the slightest, and the manager angrily demanded she never return, and also refused to allow Edward to book shows there ever again. Despite this rough incident, the two officially began dating shortly afterward.

It didn't take her long to find a Blues club in Los Angeles, and before she knew it she was jet setting off to Dubrovnik, to learn more blues skills from a program offered at the University there. After a 2 week stint, she played her first show in Europe, in Amsterdam, followed by one in Istanbul and returned to the states. The more success her shows had, the more confident she became, and the more she and Edward went out to drink, with the new money rolling in. The two also found sport in vandalism, public sex and screaming obscenities at children and the elderly. Hali was busted at one point for trashing a hotel room and was briefly jailed. They were inseparable, in a manner not unlike Bonnie and Clyde. Songs from this era included “I Spent Halloween In Jail,” “Whiskey=Destruction” and “Officer, I Swear I Didn't Mean to Start A Riot.”

Qual began drawing more and more blues fans, and the money to see the world was slowly adding up. She began a series of small European and American tours, which gained her more noteriety each time. Hali became determined to someday achieve the success some of her favorite bands received, at any price. At the time, Hali didn't realize the price she would eventually pay. Her musical career soon eclipsed her relationship. Edward became fussy and depressed at her differing views on the importance of music–he was content to play Los Angeles and Mexico City almost exclusively and hole up in his apartment with alcohol, whereas she had visions of world dominance. This eventually had a caustic effect on the relationship and Edward, in frustration, ran off to Mexico City permanently while Hali was touring Europe for the third time, in Year 35. He cut off communication with her, and upon wrapping up her tour she flew to Mexico to find him. She traced his hotel room after a few days of no luck, only to discover he'd died of alcohol poisoning just days previous.

By the time she returned to LA, his funeral had already taken place and Hali was thrown into a deep despair. When she finally checked her mail, she discovered a note he mailed to her apartment which alluded to his self destruction being on purpose, citing her apparent selfishness and disregard for what he wanted in life (as well as a bad case of hemmeroids he couldn't seem to get rid of). Hali took the death very hard, drowning herself in permiscuous sex and alcoholism. Her musical career soon suffered until finally, her mother Hannelore visited her and convinced her to quit drinking. Much more mellow in her religious convictions than she had been at the time of her conversion, the two were able to bury the hatchet and now enjoy a good relationship.

Hali resumed a healthier lifestyle, only enjoying a drink every once in awhile, and began releasing records. With her newfound mostly-sobriety, she wrote of her painful experiences with clarity and eloquence in songs like “Left Me For A Tornado,” “Nuclear Winter,” and “Omaha In Flames,” featured on her successful debut album A Bottom Shelf Affair. The album's title is a reference to her previous days of behaving and living in bad taste. Despite proclaiming her uterus would be a permanent child-free zone in her earlier years, she gave birth to her first child, Rozalia, followed by a second, Bianca and more recently, a son named Denver, all with the help of a sperm donor. Despite some casual flings, Hali has remained mostly single. Hali resides permanently in Los Angeles and also has a home in Berlin, which she was quoted once as describing as “the best city in the Popoverse, if only I spoke German I'd live there permanently instead.”

Qual's first show: Amber's Place, Los Angeles

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